MONDAY NIGHT MANA!

Chewebacca vs  Balrog (Vega)

Evening ladies and gentlemen we begins tonight entertainment with a grudge match between a pretty boy and a furry man dog. Chewie caused all kinds of havoc during Vegas last match first assualting vega then swamp thing causing the match to go into DQ. Theres the bell and the match begins.  Vega is using his greater speed to try to stay and the walking rugs reach with light strikes as he runs from one corner to the other.  There is blood on the mat as Vega slices chewies knee cap . Vega bounces of the rope to gain speed and wait Chewebacca clothes line vega  dropping him to the mat.  Chewie puts vega into the wookie bowcaster making Vega cry out in pain.  You can hear the vegas shoulders snap out of thier sockets  and we have it Vega is calling for a end to the match.

Winner Chewebacca.

Optimus Prime vs Solomon Grundy

This match is between a giant robot and a part plant part zombie monster. Only here folks can such a sentence be uttered. Theres the bell. Grundy comes out strong bull rushing the leader of the autobots and actually managing to push Optimus back to the ropes.  Unfortantly for Grundy the grapple plays into optimus plans as he transforms trapping Solomon Grundy underneath him . Theres the pinfall we have a winner. Optimus Prime

Winner Optimus Prime

Captain Condom vs Luke Skywalker

This cruiserweight match is to the first blood and the lightsaber is out and the condom has been ripped and thanks to the SW: ToR rules lightsabers can now cause bleeding damage . We have a winner.

Winner Luke Skywalker

Cthullu vs Riddick

We go into the locker room for this bout . The cultist have just finished summoning the old one and have stabbed out their own eyes. So far a great start to a match.  Riddick makes a surpise attack to Cthullus back  jumping from the rafters letting his knives slice into the green skinned behometh. Cthullu roars in mild annoyance shaking his body in attempt to throw the weird eye bastard. Cthullu smashes through the first wall of the building slaming himself backwards trying to dislodge riddick but to no luck. And another and another thats it the building is collapsing . Chtullu is using his wings to fly up into the atmosphere he is up to a few hundred feet and he starts to falling backwards . He crashes into the ground with Riddick still on his back knocking Riddick out cold. Thats the match

Winner Cthullu

Lara Croft vs Starbuck

A hardcore women's match tonight. Lara Croft comes dressed out in the roman gladiator armor  and Starbuck in her flight suit. Lara pulls her sword and straight into the gut of the space farer. Call the medics folks the match is over.

Winner Lara Croft.

Test Phase vs HoSgaJ

The cage has been brought down for this 2 on 2 match . Uncle Fester tries to distract Worf and Fankies monster while Doc is trying to rig somethign to the cage muttering about  gigawatts but its to no avail as this is defiantly not a case of brains over brawn as the two first over power the bald headed freak and uses his limp body to batter Doc Brown.

Winner HoSgaJ

MARCH MADNESS

HOT ROD VS CHUCKY

Commentator “Tonight we have to inanimate objects brought to life to fight to the death for our amusement. In one corner Hot Rod a brash hot headed robot  who seems to be stuck in the 80’s and in the other corner Chucky  a serial killer stuck in the body of a doll . And theres the bell. Chucky quickly dashes in and uses his patented kitchen knife to strike at Hot Rods ankles. It seems to be ineffective  but lets be honest the whole conecept behind the killer doll seems to be too. And Hot Rod steps on Chucky for 1 2 3 that’s it people we have a winner via pinfall. This defiantly was not a david vs goliath .

Winner Hot Rod

Comedian vs Rosevelt

 Tonight we have a epic battle of facial hair . The Comedian vs Rosevelt . These two burly man a men’s men and this fight shall be one that shall be passed down in legend. Rosevelt comes out oiled up in what he claims to be moose oil  and the comedian starts off with his signature flamethrower. Rosevelt dodges to the side as the first few rows of the audience combust into pure agony. Rosevelt is behind the comedian and starts a series of belly to back suplexes driving the comedian into the mat again and again. “

20 mins later

“Finally it looks like Rosevelt has finished his suplex chain and is going for the pin. Its over folks Rosevelt is the winner”

Winner Rosevelt

Pimp for the Hooos vs Serious Buisness

Fanboys of the late eighties will rejoice as Lion-o and He-Man walk out accompined by Teela and Cheetara.  Though I have to admit I don’t remember a pimp hat being a accecesory for either of my action figures of those two but hey these two are entitled to a mid life crisis just as much as anyone else. They seem to be trying to build up the crowd yelling randomly as they hold their swords up into the air. Here comes Serious business dressed up like Teela and Cheetara this is one of those things seen it can never be unseen people . Wheres a minds eye melon baller when you need one. And theres the bell  He man has taken the lead vs  Deadpool the power that he made claim too to chop off a limb or two . He man goes for the quick win with a pin but wait whats this Deadpools severed hand has made the tag and Joker is in laughing his head off as he brings a large cartoonish hammer out to play. The mallet puts he man on the defensive  pushing him back into the corner where He man makes the tag for Lion-O. Who climbs the rope for the extra height on his jump and pulls of the moonsault of Omens. That’s it people Joke is down. We have a winner.

Winner The Pimp for the Hooos.

Chewbaca vs Solmon Grundy

These two brutes don’t waste anytime locking onto ach other in the center of the ring wrestling for control. It looks like Chewie is trying for his trademark ripping the arms off of his opponent but Grundy seems to be made of more sturdy stuff then some annoying droids. Grundy responds with a series of strikes to the furry mans torso pushing him back into the corner. Chewie litarally is on the ropes  from the beating he is taken . He lets out a roar and grabs grundy around the neck with both of his err hands and looks to be going for a double choke slam . Grundy is on the ground Chewbacca is going for an arm bar dragging the prone form to the center of the ring out of reach of the ropes. Grundy seems to e refusing to tap out despite the huge amount of punishment he is taken. You can hear the bones popping in his arm there it si theres the tap we have a winner

Winner Chewbaca

Luke Skywalker vs Gordon Freeman

Both combatants enter the ring ready to deal some damage. Luke seems to be off as if something just isn’t right. He still manages to avoid Freemans attacks but he is defiantly slowed. Luke makes a crushing movement with his hand and something seams to break on Gordons belt and Luke seems to be refreshed. Luke draws his lightsaber  Freedman raises his crowbar in defense. Freemans crowbar is now in two pieces and we have a new champion

Winner Luke Skywalker

Lara Croft vs Red Sonja

Lara comes out dressed in full roman armor probally stolen from some unearthed burial site. She seems to be really trying to rev the crowd up though the men in the crowd seem to be cheering just as much for Red Sonja though I think in her case it’s the lack of armor that has gotten them all ready for the fight. As the fight begins Sonja definalty has the manuverablity on Lara as the armor seems to slow lara down a bit but the ancient armor seems to be deflecting the blows pretty well. The tomb raider picks up the red devil and throws her out of the ring into the crowd. There seems to be a issue as Red Sonja turns on the crowd and starts attacking them There is blood and gore everywhere and wwhats this we have a winner Lara Croft wins due to a ring out

Winner Lara Croft

Soldier vs Chtullu

There was a mix up on the boards and this match was originally billeted as Bender vs Cthullu but it was worked out last minutes folks. This fight should be interesting a crazy man vs a elder god that causes insanity. Theres the bell wait uh ewww that’s the match folks as the ref is calling it for Cthullu after he ate the soldier I guess that counts as a win by submission

Winner Cthullu

TAG TEAM INSANITY

Muffin Stuffers vs Venom and Carnage vs Men of Steel

Okay folks this should be a interesting fight tonight. Vendors as selling lead vest along with the beer tonight with the amount of radioactive rock that is expected to be here. This match kept having stipulations added to it by the various teams but the best way to sum it up is ,a six man tornado match with the titles going to the first two that draw blood even if they are not on the same team. Ron Jeremey comes out only wearing the title belt well there goes our pg-13 rating while Kaden seems to be wearing a “reporter” outfit that doesn’t leave much to be imaginged. V&C are both wearing chucnks of glowing rock one blue the other green. While Superman and Bizzaro fly down their chest pieces seem to also be glowing blue for supes and green for bizzaro. And theres the bell Superman and Bizzaro first go after vwenom and carnage putting them into a massive throw that sends them through the roof of the arena. Bizzaro turns on Ron jermey and quickly grapples him to the ground. Bizzaro begins to pummel  Ron and whats this we have our first winner as Bizzaro draws blood from the porn star. I hope he was wearing protection. While that beating is taken place Superman is facing off against the sexy reporter Kayden Kross who seems to have a golden glow about her. Kayden steps up for a sudden kiss moementerly baffeling supermanand then wraps her legs around him and begins to dry-ish hump him. Then she slaps him across the face and whats this her nails have some how drawn blood across superman face  she is our second winner as Venom and Carnage fall back down to earth

Winner Bizzaro and Kayden Kross

Swamp Thing vs Vega

As the opponets make there way to the ring it seems that Chewbacca has come out of nowhere and started pounding on Vega. Vega is taken by surpise from  this sudden onslaught but is thrown into the ring by the enraged wookie  Swamp thing looks bemused until the wookie throws what appears to be a large nut at the plant man and it erupts into a giant tree that puts redwoods to shame knocking both combatants out of the ring and causing a dq.

DQ

Ripley vs Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey comes out covered in a green ichor that is   quickly dissolving what little clothes she has on. Ripely seems confused by why someone would willing let there body be degraded that way  allowing Sasha to get a quick hold in and forcing a submission for the space woman

Winner Sasha Grey

MNM 03/04/13

Welcome to a special Gygax memorial edition of high Fantasy Wrestling. Tonight’s matches will be commented by a short little bald guy who keeps calling himself the Dungeon Master, I don’t know what kind of fifty shades kinky shit he is into but he has promised a special round of bouts for us tonight .

Ulrich vs Spider-man vs Nightcrawler

DM: Tonight cruiser weight match will take place between a paladin a furry elf what appears to be a follower of Lloth. The bell rings and Spiderman does a double kick swing straight at Ulrich but is stopped midswing by Nightcrawler with a flurry of teleportation blows. Apperrantly being from the same universe offers no loyalty here. The two super powered heroes go at it all around the arena teleporting and swinging all over the place mainly ignoring Ulrich as he is stuck fighting in only two dimensions. Spidermans spidey sense slowly seems to be giving him the edge in the arial battle and has managed to daze the swashbuckling blue devil with a couple of impact webbings to the head . He goes for the pin but suddenly looks up as he spidey sense warns him but to late as Ulrich comes riding down with a tourney lance shattering against the head of spidey dazing the web slinger and giving Ulrich the chance to pin Nightcrawler after he was trampled by Ulrichs horse. The two supers failed to give Ulrich enough credit apperantly .
Winner Ulrich
Red Sonja vs Buffy vs Lara Croft
DM: Tonight’s match already has one of my favorite dungeons and dragons items of all time ,the chain mail bikini. Buffy and Lara are already in the ring but there seems to be no sign of Sonja. After a few more minutes Buffy gets tired and finally strikes a blow to Laras head and the ref rings the bell. The crowd goes wild as both these combatants have a 18 in both charisma and dexterity if you know what I mean. Buffys slayer strength is giving her the advantage here but Lara is defiantly holding her own dishing out a fair amount punishment . And finally a Red Sonja joins the match im getting reports she was held up by a one name man demanding money for girl scout cookies. She does seem a little roughed up. I hear those girl scouts can be vicious in the cookie war. She takes advantage of the weaken Buffy and Lara able to toss the tomb raider out of the ring and pulls a figure four on the slayer making her tap out to the scantly clad barbarian .
Winner Red Sonja

Skeletor vs The Comedian vs Soldier

DM: The Legend of the Tomb of Horrors
Somewhere under a lost and lonely hill of grim and foreboding aspect lies a labyrinthine crypt filled with terrible traps and not a few strong and ferocious monsters to slay the unwary. Rich treasures both precious and magical fill the crypt, but in addition to the aforementioned guardians, some say a demilich still wards his final haunt. (Be warned that tales told have it that this being possesses powers that make him nearly undefeatable!) Accounts relate that adventurers have an extremely low probability of ever finding the chamber where the demilich Acererak lingers, for the passages and rooms of the tomb are fraught with terrible traps, poison gases, and magical protections. Furthermore, the demilich has hidden his lair so well, that even those who avoid the pitfalls likely will not locate their true goal. So only large and well-prepared parties of the bravest and strongest should even consider the attempt, and if they do locate the tomb, they must be prepared to fail. Any expedition must be composed of characters of high level and varied class. They must have magical protections and weapons, and they should equip themselves with every sort of device possible to ensure their survival.
Winner: The soldier (and even he looks disturbed by what he just survived)

Evolution vs. HoSghaj vs. Srs Bsns
DM: Oh ohh my I think I might need to make a saving throw myself. The Joker filled deadpool with explosives and detonated them when the other teams where going in for a pin. Some how the hand of deadpool tagged joker in who was able to make the pin.
Winner Serious Buisness
Swamp Thing vs optimus prime vs beorn
DM: This triple cage match looked exciting until the opponets involved where taking into account. Prime took up so much room that no one could really move except for swamp thing who slowly grew out of the cages. All in all the crowd was disappointed but what do you expect when you stuff a semi into a group of cages .
Winner Swamp Thing

MNM 2/18/13

STABLE WARS - CRUISERWEIGHTS

Heroes United vs. Real Men of Genius

This was simply a bad booking decision. Professor X was able to negate Luke and the boys of Winter, but he couldn't combat them all. Spidey was eventually overworked by Ash and Arrow who use their Pokeball-Arrow combo to catch him. 

 #1 CRUISERWEIGHT CONTENDER MATCH

Engineer vs. Gordon Freeman (again....)

Gordon Freeman has finally had enough of this shit, while the Engineer is still just having a good time. Its this change in attitude that finally allows Gordon to come away with a clean victory and his eyes set on the championship. 

STABLE WARS - WOMENS

Ruff Ryders vs. SLAY, Inc.

Look at those contenders and decide for yourself. Yeah, the Ryders never had a chance. 

WOMENS #1 CONTENDER FAN FAVORITE MATCH

Ellen Ripley vs. Starbuck vs. Sailor Moon

Ripley ripped it. Get it. GET IT? 

 STABLE WARS - HARDCORE

Asylum vs. Internet Hate Machine

 write up to come, asylum victorious

HARDCORE #1 CONTENDER FAN FAVORITE

Shredder vs. Vash vs. Gygax vs. Bender

write up to come, Bender victorious

TAG TEAM MATCH

Test Phase vs. Totally Turtletastic

write up to come, Totally Turtletastic victorious

TAG TEAM #1 CONTENDER MATCH

Men of Steel vs. Venom & Carnage

write up to come, Venom & Carnage victorious

STABLE WARS - HEAVYWEIGHTS

Vengeance vs. Hardcore Heavyweights

write up to come, Vengeance victorious

HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH

Solomon Grundy vs. Vega (Balrog)

write up to come, Vega victorious

Click here for results, next week's card, and champions.

St. Valentine's Massacre 2013

Heavyweight Title Match

Solomon Grundy vs. Swamp Thing

In an interesting card decision, we will begin tonight's festivities with a bout for the Heavyweight Title. And these two are no strangers - having met up many times in many places before. So we can be sure that they are aware of weaknesses and exploits. 

Our fight starts out rather normal, and it looks like Swampy has the upper hand. Though he can't dish out quite as well as Solomon, Swamp Thing can take the hits and seems to be smart enough to continuously trap him.

But wait, what is this? The ref is down? Looks like Solomon couldn't see where he was falling. Wait. With the ref out what is this? Is that Doc Brown? It is. What is he doing? I don't know but it looks like he has some form of pesticide or weedkiller. Swamp looks hurt. The Doc is running back and the ref is up. Swamp is down. Solomon gets the pin. 1. 2. 3. We have a new Heavyweight Champion!

Tag Team Fan Favorite Title Match

The Nice Ones vs. The Muffin Stuffers

Naughty vs. Nice has never been more appropriate here. The bell rings and we have Coffey and Jeremy in the ring. Coffey seems to be pummeling Jeremy but he can take a beating. Coffey goes for his patented DiseaseDive but it backfires. Jeremy seems to be relieved and revived while Coffey is disoriented. He goes to tap in Santa but Kayden seems to have Santa distracted with her Mrs. Claus outfit. Jeremy rolls under for the missio----pin. 1. 2. 3. We have yet another set of new champions. 

Cruiserweight Three Man Title Match w/ No DQ

Jon Snow vs. Gordon Freeman vs. Engineer

Our contestants have entered the ring, escorted in respectively by a crowbar, a sentry, and Luke Skywalker. Looks like we'll be testing the limits of "no disqualification" tonight!  And we're off to a strong start. Gordon has Snow on the ground beating him to a bloody pulp with the crowbar, but now he is struck down from behind by the Engineer's wrench. This seems to be a gay mechanic with a bdsm fetish's wet dream. The Sentry is indiscriminately taking out audience members. Gordon is getting back on his feet and they're exchanging blows. Whats this? Snow is up with a .... is that a lightsaber? It is. Skywalker has taught Snow to wield a lightsaber. Freeman and the Engineer are down. The Sentry fires at Snow but he deflects back. Sentry down. Engineer is pinned. Snow holds onto the title for a little longer. Or is it Master Snow?

Last Blood Womens Title Match

Sasha Grey vs. Red Sonja

The time ran out three hours ago but this is a last blood match so we keep going. These two women have stamina. But in the end, only one has the power of a goddess because she won't give it up to a man. Red Sonja finally gets Sasha down. We can't discuss what happened afterwards unless you can confirm you're 18 or up. New Womens Champion, and she is already finding a way to use that belt.....

Three Man Hardcore Title Match

Bender vs. Skeletor vs. Soldier

We could explain all the insanity, stable crashing, horrible things done to determine this match, but instead we'll offer you this one image:

First Blood Bra & Panties

Catwoman vs. Batman

Ummm, lets go to commercial and hope they leve the ring in time for the next match.....double dq.....

Hardcore First Cum Fan Favorite

Cthulhu vs. Sailor Moon

A lot of things happened here tonight, but the worse comes in 9 months........

Looks like the myth of the female orgasm won the day today. Cthulhu is down and seems fine with it.

Hardcore I QUIT Match

Loser Leaves On A Moose

Riddick vs. Roosevelt

What started out as an I Quit match soon became a I Die match. Because even though Roosevelt was publicly telling Riddick after the match to....

....he had actually just completed a secret presidential defense maneuver known as....

Heavyweight Iron Man Cage Match

Thor vs. Smaug

Thor wins by technicality. Though Smaug is the one beating the crap out of him, he is doing it with his own hammer. And the hammer is being counted as Thor so Thor is winning by beating Thor. I think the judges are drunk at this point. And we've answered the age old question "can dragons lift Thors hammer?"

Hardcore Hanger in Space

Swamp Thing vs. Starbuck

This can only be chalked up to poor planning and bad luck. Don't fight in enclosed places in space. All it takes is one hole in the hull and you're both flung out into the vastness of space. While our teams search for the contestants the match itself has timed out. 

Here are the results for those who can't read. And Monday's card.

MNM 02/04/13

Hello and welcome to High Fantasy Wrestling's debut showcasing of Monday Night Mana. I'm your host Mean Gene Roddenberry, here with co-host Larry Mxyzptlk, and we've got a phenomenal show for you tonight.

Right you are Gene, and lets jump straight into the action

CRUISERWEIGHT MATCH

Gordon Freeman vs. Spy

Due to the extreme graphic violence that occurred in the ring during this match, in lieu of telling you what happened we offer this sole photo of how Gordon won:

CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH

Jon Snow vs. Ulrich Von Liechtenstein 

Here we are with two nameless men: the bastard and the pretender.

But they're here to make a name for themselves tonight.

Uhhh, well, that was quick.

We should probably add "no wolves" to the rules.......

WOMENS MATCH

Sailor Moon vs. Daenerys Targaryen

Daenny always has bad luck for a long time, followed by good luck. So at this rate, we should see a major win for her in a few weeks. But not tonight. 

WOMENS TITLE MATCH

Sasha Grey vs. Ellen Ripley

Well Gene, why do you think Ellen is having such trouble here?

Well Larry, she is used to avoiding her enemy's bodily fluids. Sasha just fights right through them. 

HARDCORE THREE-MAN FAN FAVORITE MATCH

Roosevelt vs. Riddick vs. Soldier

I think we can sum up this match with one photo:

HARDCORE FIRST BLOOD OR OIL MATCH

Shredder vs. Bender

Looks like Bender found a work around this ruleset. He seems to have replaced all his oil with beer. Even though he is leaking like a keg on St. Pattys it doesn't matter. Shredder was on borrowed time from the bell.

TAG TEAM MATCH

Serious Business vs. The Muffin Stuffers

This match was a double-DQ. I could explain why, but instead here is a photo from the beginning moments of the fight:

TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH

The Nice Guys vs. Venom & Carnage

Larry I must admit I was surprised for a bit here. V&C seemed to be sticking as close to the rules as they could. But when they saw blood Carnage snapped. The Nice Guys may have won by DQ but they'll need weeks to recover from this.

HEAVYWEIGHT CAGE MATCH

The Tick vs Balrog (Vega)

The  Tick may be too good for this world.

Maybe so, but Vega isn't. Someone call an ambulance.

HEAVYWEIGHT MATCH

Thor vs. Iron Man

HFW Tournament of Champions

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

MONDAY NIGHT MANA 01/28/13

Hello and welcome to High Fantasy Wrestling's debut showcasing of Monday Night Mana. I'm your host Mean Gene Roddenberry, here with co-host Larry Mxyzptlk, and we've got a phenomenal show for you tonight.

Right you are Gene, and lets jump straight into the action.

CRUISERWEIGHT MATCH

Hot Rod vs. Sniper

The Sniper beats Hot Rod when he makes him lose balance in a puddle of piss, taking the chance to deliver the money shot and power down Rod for the three count. 

CRUISERWEIGHT SUBMISSION MATCH

Spider-Man vs Gordon Freeman

The Gravity Gun leaves Spider-Man grounded for the fight. Coupled with loyal ant lions, Freeman is able to finally get Parker to pass out for a default submission.

WOMENS MATCH

Catwoman vs Sasha Grey

Though the under-cat, Catwoman is able to hold her own for much longer than expected against Sasha. However, when Catwoman's roomate/possible lover Holly Robinson shows up to support Sasha, the jewel thief loses her cool. Sasha gets on top for this final act.

WOMENS FIRST BLOOD MATCH

Sailor Moon vs. Danaerys Targaryen

In an odd turn of events, Sailor Moon wins by technicality. 

13 year old Danny's period has been her bane on this day. 

HARDCORE KNOCKOUT MATCH

Vash the Stampede vs Bender

A historical first, Bender found a way to be disqualified in a no-rules match. Vash wins by DQ.

HARDCORE CAGE MATCH

Raze vs Skeletor

Raze had a bone to pick with Skeletor. And a Lycan can easily climb walls. 

TAG TEAM MATCH

The Men of Steel vs The Liberal Handouts

The Goon and Bizarro seem evenly matched, but Morpheus spends most the fight thinking Superman is the chosen one and trying to get him to join him. Superman easily dispatches him.

TAG TEAM MATCH

Evolution vs Worfenstein

For the fourth time in his life, Worf learned that you don't fuck with Data.

HEAVYWEIGHT MATCH

The Tick vs Optimus Prime

With some assistance from Arthur, The Tick manages to win by sheer dumb luck. 

HEAVYWEIGHT IRON MAN THREE-MAN MATCH

Beorn vs Vega vs Solomon Grundy

Beorn and Solomon Grundy both end up with an equal 4 pins to Vega's 2 after a while, but can't seem to get each other down. Finally Beorn figures out a workaround and just pins Vega one more time before the time limit is reached.