St. Valentine's Massacre 2013

Heavyweight Title Match

Solomon Grundy vs. Swamp Thing

In an interesting card decision, we will begin tonight's festivities with a bout for the Heavyweight Title. And these two are no strangers - having met up many times in many places before. So we can be sure that they are aware of weaknesses and exploits. 

Our fight starts out rather normal, and it looks like Swampy has the upper hand. Though he can't dish out quite as well as Solomon, Swamp Thing can take the hits and seems to be smart enough to continuously trap him.

But wait, what is this? The ref is down? Looks like Solomon couldn't see where he was falling. Wait. With the ref out what is this? Is that Doc Brown? It is. What is he doing? I don't know but it looks like he has some form of pesticide or weedkiller. Swamp looks hurt. The Doc is running back and the ref is up. Swamp is down. Solomon gets the pin. 1. 2. 3. We have a new Heavyweight Champion!

Tag Team Fan Favorite Title Match

The Nice Ones vs. The Muffin Stuffers

Naughty vs. Nice has never been more appropriate here. The bell rings and we have Coffey and Jeremy in the ring. Coffey seems to be pummeling Jeremy but he can take a beating. Coffey goes for his patented DiseaseDive but it backfires. Jeremy seems to be relieved and revived while Coffey is disoriented. He goes to tap in Santa but Kayden seems to have Santa distracted with her Mrs. Claus outfit. Jeremy rolls under for the missio----pin. 1. 2. 3. We have yet another set of new champions. 

Cruiserweight Three Man Title Match w/ No DQ

Jon Snow vs. Gordon Freeman vs. Engineer

Our contestants have entered the ring, escorted in respectively by a crowbar, a sentry, and Luke Skywalker. Looks like we'll be testing the limits of "no disqualification" tonight!  And we're off to a strong start. Gordon has Snow on the ground beating him to a bloody pulp with the crowbar, but now he is struck down from behind by the Engineer's wrench. This seems to be a gay mechanic with a bdsm fetish's wet dream. The Sentry is indiscriminately taking out audience members. Gordon is getting back on his feet and they're exchanging blows. Whats this? Snow is up with a .... is that a lightsaber? It is. Skywalker has taught Snow to wield a lightsaber. Freeman and the Engineer are down. The Sentry fires at Snow but he deflects back. Sentry down. Engineer is pinned. Snow holds onto the title for a little longer. Or is it Master Snow?

Last Blood Womens Title Match

Sasha Grey vs. Red Sonja

The time ran out three hours ago but this is a last blood match so we keep going. These two women have stamina. But in the end, only one has the power of a goddess because she won't give it up to a man. Red Sonja finally gets Sasha down. We can't discuss what happened afterwards unless you can confirm you're 18 or up. New Womens Champion, and she is already finding a way to use that belt.....

Three Man Hardcore Title Match

Bender vs. Skeletor vs. Soldier

We could explain all the insanity, stable crashing, horrible things done to determine this match, but instead we'll offer you this one image:

First Blood Bra & Panties

Catwoman vs. Batman

Ummm, lets go to commercial and hope they leve the ring in time for the next match.....double dq.....

Hardcore First Cum Fan Favorite

Cthulhu vs. Sailor Moon

A lot of things happened here tonight, but the worse comes in 9 months........

Looks like the myth of the female orgasm won the day today. Cthulhu is down and seems fine with it.

Hardcore I QUIT Match

Loser Leaves On A Moose

Riddick vs. Roosevelt

What started out as an I Quit match soon became a I Die match. Because even though Roosevelt was publicly telling Riddick after the match to....

....he had actually just completed a secret presidential defense maneuver known as....

Heavyweight Iron Man Cage Match

Thor vs. Smaug

Thor wins by technicality. Though Smaug is the one beating the crap out of him, he is doing it with his own hammer. And the hammer is being counted as Thor so Thor is winning by beating Thor. I think the judges are drunk at this point. And we've answered the age old question "can dragons lift Thors hammer?"

Hardcore Hanger in Space

Swamp Thing vs. Starbuck

This can only be chalked up to poor planning and bad luck. Don't fight in enclosed places in space. All it takes is one hole in the hull and you're both flung out into the vastness of space. While our teams search for the contestants the match itself has timed out. 

Here are the results for those who can't read. And Monday's card.